Humblebragging about your stay at a five-star resort can be challenging, but Niko Savvas is here to help

 

Congratulations! You’ve recently returned from Six Senses Ninh Van Bay, Nha Trang’s most luxurious beach resort! This secluded garden of seaside paradise, nestled into the rocks of a verdant peninsula atop a sparkling crystal bay, is so ridiculously picturesque that your photos will hurt your friends’ feelings.

 

You’re a warm, compassionate human being (extremely good-looking and financially successful, too, like most guests at Ninh Van Bay) — so compassionate, in fact, that you’d be terribly perturbed* if your holiday tales aroused undue jealousy in those around you.

 

So how can you tell your colleagues, in-laws, and fellow caviar aficionados about your trip without sending them into fits of envious rage? By following the suggestions below, of course!

 

Peasant Friend: How was the food?

You: It was OK. I had eggs for breakfast.

Don’t mention that your “eggs” came in the form of a custom omelette prepared in front of you by a white-hatted chef, or that the chef was standing next to an enormous buffet table teeming with pain au chocolat, lemon cakes and freshly-baked muffins. It’s acceptable to discuss the wide selection of organic juices and off-the-vine fruits, but try to stay mum about the gourmet meat-and-cheese platters and the complimentary sparkling wines (or that you walked into an enormous glass-walled, refrigerated chamber to find them).

 

Peasant Friend: Was your room nice?

You: Yeah. It was pretty close to the beach.

Nobody needs to know that your room was actually a private villa, or that your private villa had a private beach, or that your private villa was separated from your private beach only by your private emerald infinity pool. It’s best to avoid over-using the word “private”.

 

Peasant Friend: Did you try the spa?

You: Uh huh, we got massages from some Australian guy.

Key points: it was just a massage, not a cranio-sacral realignment therapy session, and the Australian was just a guy, not an internationally renowned wellness guru with 15 years of experience and rock-hard abs.

 

Peasant Friend: When did you get back?

You: Yesterday.

Try not to weep as you recall the sublime pleasure of waking up to gently crashing waves, or the soft calls of tropical birds, or the friendly smiles of the resort staff as they waved goodbye. Speak not of the ephemerality of life, nor the fleeting transience of all lovely things. Just gaze sadly into the distance and savour the memories of your all-too-brief visit to heaven.

 

Then show everyone ALL of your Instagram photos.

 

To learn more about Six Senses Ninh Van Bay or to make a reservation, visit sixsenses.com/resorts/ninh-van-bay/destination

Niko Savvas

Niko Savvas is the online editor at Word. He is biased against your favorite things. Correspond with him via niko@wordvietnam.com, an electronic mail address on the World Wide Web.

2 comments

  • Comment Link NikoWord NikoWord Jun 24, 2015

    Thanks for your feedback, Luana! Sorry you didn't enjoy the article. Still, don't sell your buddy Sara short...any friend of yours must be quite a douche :)

  • Comment Link Luana Luana Jun 24, 2015

    I thought my buddy Sara was the biggest douche alive... but now there is you. What a d.i.s.g.u.s.t.i.n.g. post!

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